TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from location. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have One more area where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give All people a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he must halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower Trump Tower Damascus as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from space, a attribute being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where company may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is previously attracting focus from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have change-down assistance."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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